For the love of voluntary poisoning, people, get your heads out of your arses!

(For those lucky few of you who just happen to enjoy sticking your heads up each other’s arses, just remember - no biting!)

What? Oh, yeah… deliberation… do I really have to, mommy? I’m still sore from last time!

Oh, all right.

It seems every day, regardless of how much I try to block it out, I invariably end up subjected to a discussion between varying numbers of hysterical idiots - polarised in pre-dug, shit-filled, crust-covered and glibly trademarked trenches - sniping at each other with supposed arguments over irrelevant topics without ever considering that they may in fact not be omniscient and objective - let alone dead, fucking wrong.

Were Socrates alive today, he’d be dead, having drunk the hemlock and asked for a refill, just to make sure he never had to hear another imbecile argument over whether or not Britney has to urinate once in a while.

It’s not fucking complicated, all right?

In an attempt to get a few more human apes to join us here in Sapiens Sapiens-land, here are three easy steps towards extracting your primary sensory organs from the anatomical equivalent of Plato’s murky cave-analogy:

One: Get your head out of your arse. Everyone is wrong. Everything is hearsay. You will never - repeat in colossal, flaming letters: NEVER! - get the complete story. Whatever the subject, you will never know the final truth. Get that into your head. That should give you some basic humility.

Two: Get your head out of your arse! Mass media don’t deal in facts. Nowhere. Never. They’re always lying in some way, because they’re selling Product - your attention. Don’t trust them. Seriously. Don’t. They’ll eat your genitals for lunch and have what’s left of your gloss-rotted, little soul with the decaf. (This, of course, doesn’t mean there aren’t facts in what mass media present - just that they’re always peripheral to Product and Message. Wisen up and stop eating the ornaments.)

Three: Oh, for fuck’s sake, would you get your head out of your arse! Semantics matter! Yes! Imagine that! If you don’t have compatible notions of what the expressions you’re using actually mean, you can argue until your teeth melt and never achieve a speck of communication. Furthermore, terminology and jargon has bundled bias. If you don’t keep a critical attitude, using jargon is a very practical means of unintentionally propelling your pate all the way up to your esophagus - which, despite the rise in altitude, does not mean you have your head any less up your arse.

There. That’s it. Am I not a kind and gentle person? I should fucking think so! In fact, I should get the fucking Nobel Peace Price for my patience!

To wrap this up, I challenge you to add to this list through the comments - and make sure it’s fucking thought-through and legible, all right? Not everyone is Ezra Pound, but even Ernest fucking Hemingway could string a sentence or two together - if they were short.